fudged flummery

there and gone again

fudgedflummery — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 09:51:36 +0000

bleeding from phantom wounds
waiting for someone who’s never coming
crying for the loss of a love never had

impossibly predictable
predictably infuriating
infuriatingly beautiful,
this man.

yet I’m still..

raw from cuts left by words
missing the point
screaming at sadism disguised as love

lovely masochism
masochistic loneliness
lonely pragmatism
lies to me.

I still

fudgedflummery — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 06:05:09 +0000

you make me hate you,

and I still want you.

you make tears well,

and I still need you.

your words are needles in every sore spot,

and I still have to have you.

your hands are like fire on icy skin,

and I still think it feels good.

you kick me when I’m down,

and I still crave the pain.

you don’t understand me,

and I still believe you might.

you won’t leave me,

and I’m still afraid you will.

you kiss me roughly,

and I still think it’s gentle.

you haven’t fought for me,

and I’m still fighting for us.

Tagged: ache, in between, love

knowing the unsaid

fudgedflummery — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 05:51:38 +0000

he sat watching the same movie for the tenth time. the only explanation needed for the repeated watches? “this is a great movie.. really.” so I sat next to him, close but not touching. electricity crackling in the emptiness between us. his jaw, clenching and relaxing, betraying him. his hands, lightly guarding the remote, and I know what he’s thinking. his whole body, just barely rigid, and so goddamned still. he’s never that still unless he’d rather be moving. so I turn to watch him watching, and instantly his attention flees the television in favor of my face. the final tell. he turns back to the show, but a moment too late. I take the remote from his loose grip, and he’s still. reaching up to his chin, I tilt his head toward mine, kissing him softly, lightly. I’m barely breathing and I’ve only just begun. I consider pacing myself, so I can still breathe in a dozen minutes’ time. then his hand grazes the nape of my neck and my loose resolve loses itself among the smooth marriage of skin on skin, the goosebumps that belie my wanting.. appearing everywhere all at once, much like his wandering kisses. his body’s still not relaxed, neck craned just right to kiss me.. nothing more. he’s trying so hard not to want this moment. trying to make me possible to live without so that when I force him to, he’ll stay somewhat intact. almost whole. but soon he’ll give in. soon, he’ll want the feel of my skin on his badly enough that he’ll convince himself he’s just saving up memories for when I’m gone. that kissing me is better than not because it’s what I want, because it feels right, because resisting is just too damn hard and too complicated. and I’ll push him to that point because it’s what I need. what I’ve always needed. even because it’s what I’ve convinced myself he needs. so I swing one leg over his, and my heart pounds as I kiss from his lips to his neck, his collarbone, his barely beating, barely breathing chest. I can hear the words that’ll ask me to stop on just the other side of the silence, and I can feel phantom hands waiting to press my shoulders away from his. so I let my mind go. let my hands and lips wander where they like because I feel him both wanting and not to pull away, and I don’t know which side will win. when he turns me until the comfort of his weight is on top of me, I know he’s regretting that he wants me and wishing desperately for the world he always thought he’d live in.. the one where moments like these, his lips passionate on mine, bodies moving in a graceful explanation of perfection, are commonplace. where he doesn’t have to ration memories and kisses because they don’t end. but for a few savorable moments, I convince myself to forget, and hope he does too, that our kisses are numbered and remaining days together few.

Tagged: love, me with you

damnation

fudgedflummery — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 02:21:31 +0000

I have let the words spill from my lips,
let the confessions ring loud and bold,
and I should have done neither.
my love was genuine, sure, and loud.
our kisses unique, baiting, and breath taking.

..and then.

damn me. damn me and my too-soon iloveyou’s.
and I have been, oh I have;
this damnation wrapping me in obligations I should never feel obligated to fulfill.
this damnation, holding fast to my inhibitions so I may not breathe,
much less exercise the voracity of my emotions.. however fretful they may be.
this damnation, chafing my wrists like a pair of cuffs, my ankles like shackles.
and this damnation, leaving me wordless, with a ring on my finger and a future–
a future filled with a sense of duty, occasional truth, half-hearted scorn, and moments..
fleeting moments in which my sensibilities grasp the faintest influx of true love.
those moments alone will sustain.
those moments alone will help me survive, in this damnation.

Tagged: unlove, unsure

nothing’s right

fudgedflummery — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 04:41:24 +0000

nothing feels right.

air’s too thick to breathe.
light’s too bright to open my eyes.
heart’s pounding too loudly to hear anything else.

I lose hours.
I lose days.
I lost months.

nothing felt right to begin with.

Tagged: the after, unlove

waiting

fudgedflummery — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 05:34:46 +0000

waiting for you is endless.

waiting for your touch gets easier, but waiting for you to touch me with words gets harder every day. I know your reach can’t extend this far, so I’m not surprised when your hand doesn’t grasp mine. but your words; oh your words can traverse any distance, warming my heart without delay. so when your words don’t hold me, my waiting turns to longing, my unfulfilled longing to trepidation, and trepidation gives way so quickly to a heart sickness.

Tagged: me with you, unlove

just right

fudgedflummery — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 02:23:41 +0000

you’re just right.
you never blaze out of control,
never cold-shoulder,
even when it’s well-deserved.

your lips are never too far,
your arms always open.
your eyes always warm,
your words always kind.

our hearts beat in perfect time,
our hands intertwine perfectly,
our words melt..

into silence

and we never notice
because our lips finish the conversation.

our love is reckless,
imperfect,
painful,
and raw.

but it’s just right.
just right indeed.

Tagged: love, me with you

broken

fudgedflummery — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 02:01:49 +0000

he just walked away.
he turned and walked away..
without looking back,
without apologizing,
without acknowledging
that my heart might be

breaking.

*sigh*

I don’t know what happened.
I don’t know how it happened.
I don’t know why you left.
and now you’re

silent.

Tagged: can't have, the after, unlove

i’m too familiar with unfamiliarity

fudgedflummery — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 20:54:33 +0000

your hands are unfamiliar. I should know them better than my own; their scars, their soft planes and curves. I should know how they feel when they brush against my cheek, and in the morning when you wake me without trying, tracing lines up and down my bare spine. I should know their strength, how it feels the moment you start wanting me, the indents your urgency leaves on my neck, my hips. I should know their weakness, the way they tremble in the painstakingly slow and intoxicating stillness, how they quiver inches before touching me. my hands should have grooves where ours slide together, but the bitterness of unfamiliarity keeps them raw and unmolded.

Tagged: can't have, love, you are

another happy ending

fudgedflummery — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 20:59:47 +0000

your hands move
& i’m powerless to stop them
your lips whisper
& I can’t resist their pleas
i’m torn,
halfway between want & need
between should have’s & should I’s

with you i’m reckless,
otherwise control bound
with you i’m compliant,
otherwise stubborn
me without you &
i’m insoluble
me with you &
i’m just another happy ending

Tagged: I am, love, me with you